Philosophy and Religion / Tibet's Great Yogi Milarepa

Tibet's Great Yogi Milarepa

Chapter V. The Probation and Penance

Telling of how Jetsün Obeyed the Commands of his Guru Marpa, thereby Suffering Strange Trials and Great Tribulations; and of how, in Despondency, he Thrice Deserted Marpa and Sought another Guru, and then returned to Marpa.

'I now went forth in search of alms up and down the whole Lhobrak Valley, whereby I obtained four hundred and twenty measures of barley.¹ With two hundred and eighty of them I purchased a big copper vessel, free from speck or flaw inside and outside, and having four handles, one on each of the four sides. With twenty measures I procured meat and chhang. The remaining hundred and twenty measures I put into a big sack, and putting the copper vessel on top of it I carried the whole home to my Guru's dwelling.

'Arriving there somewhat fatigued, I happened to throw down my load a bit heavily, so that it made the house tremble a little. This seemed to make my Guru angry, for he jumped to his feet, saying, “Ha, thou appearest to be a particularly strong little devotee. Dost thou wish to kill all of us, too, shaking the house down by mere physical strength? Out with thy sack!” And he kicked the sack out of the house, so that I was obliged to place it outside. At the time, I thought that my Guru was simply a little short-tempered, and that I must be careful to behave properly in his presence; I was not the least shaken in my faith in him.² Then, after emptying the copper vessel, I again took it into the house, and, bowing down, offered it to the Lāma. He accepted it by laying his hand on it; and then, without removing his hand from it, he remained for a while with his eyes closed in prayer. His invocation ended, I could see tears trickling down his face, as he said, “It is auspicious; I offer it to my Guru Naropa”; and simultaneously he made with his hands the motion of offering something. He next took hold of the handle-rings and shook them violently, and struck the vessel with a rod, making as loud a noise thereby as he possibly could. Finally, he took the vessel over to the end of the altar and laid it there, filling it with clarified butter for burning in the altar lamps.

'Being much concerned about my Liberation, I repeatedly entreated him to bestow upon me some instruction, whereupon he said, “I have a number of devoted disciples and lay-followers in the Ü and Tsang Provinces who would much like to come here, but they have been repeatedly robbed on the way by the nomad shepherds of Yamdak and Talūng, as well as by the Lingpas. Thus frequently plundered, they are prevented from coming here with any provisions or presents. Go thou and launch a plague of hail upon the robbers. That itself is a religious duty; afterwards I will then give thee instruction in the Truth.”

'Accordingly, I went and launched a terrific hail-storm on each of the places mentioned, and, returning, asked for the instruction promised. But the Lāma replied, “What! Thou presumest to ask for the Most Sacred Dharma, which I procured at such cost and self-sacrifice from India, in return for two or three paltry hail-stones! Now, Sir, if thou art really in earnest about the Truth, thou wilt go and by means of sorcery, in which thou claimest to be an adept, destroy a number of the Lhobrak hill-men, for these, also, have often robbed disciples of mine who have been on their way here from Nyal-Lo-ro, and frequently offered indignities to myself too. If thou can work some signal piece of havoc in proof of thy magical power, I will undertake to impart to thee the Mystic Truths, handed down to me by my reverend Guru, the great Pandit Naropa - Truths whereby one can gain Liberation in a single lifetime and attain to Buddhahood.”

'Again I did as I was bidden; and my magical curse taking effect among the Lhobrak hill-men a feud broke out among them; and in the fighting many of them were killed. The sight of the bloodshed, however, affected me with the deepest remorse and anguish. My Guru, perceiving that among the killed were several of those who had offended him, said to me, “It is quite true that thou art an adept in sorcery.” And he gave me the title of Thūchhen (Great Sorcerer).

'Upon my asking him again for the saving Truths, he said, 'Ha, ha! Must I give thee the most sacred Truths, which I brought from India with such great pains, expending all my worldly goods in gold for them - Truths which still emit the holy breath of the Angelic Beings who gave them, and all in return for thy having done evil deeds? Why, Sir, that would be such a great jest as would make everybody laugh. Were it any one else save myself, he would have killed thee for such presumption. Now, Sir, thou shalt go and make good all the mischief and damage which thou hast caused to the crops of the shepherd-folk, and restore to life the killed among the Lhobrak men. If thou can do that, well and good; I will let thee have the Truths. If thou can not, thou hadst better not enter my presence again.” Thus he scolded me as if about to beat me. As for myself, I was plunged into the depths of despair and wept bitterly, the Lāma's wife, the while, seeking to comfort me.

‘Next morning the Lāma was kind enough to come to me himself and say, “I fear I was a little too hard on thee yesterday evening, but do not take it too much to heart. Have patience and wait, and thou shalt have the Teachings. But thou seemest to me to be a handy person. I should therefore like thee to build a house for my son, Darma-Doday (The Youth, the Bouquet of Sūtras). When thou hast completed it, not only will I impart the Truths to thee, but I will also supply thee with all needful food and clothing for the period of thy study.” “But”, I urged, “what will happen to me if in the interval I happen to die undelivered?” He answered, “I promise thee that thou shalt not die undelivered in the interval. Mine is not a doctrine empty of all definite promise. So, as thou appearest to possess a considerable stock of energy and perseverance, thou canst please thyself, with none to hinder, whether thou obtainest the Deliverance in one lifetime or not. My Sect is not quite the same as other sects. In it are to be found more emanation of Divine Grace-Waves and a more direct Spiritual Revelation than in any other sect.³ Consoled and rejoiced by these comforting promises, I at once asked the Lāma for a plan of the proposed house.

'Now, in asking me to do this work for him, the Lāma, as I subsequently perceived, had three objects in view. Firstly, not having been included in an oath-taking party held by his male relatives on a certain place [of strategic importance, whereby it was agreed that no stronghold should be erected thereon⁴], he wished to build a house there, for the site was very desirable, being safe and not easily reached and closed forever to those who had taken the oath. Secondly, he wished me to expiate mine evil deeds. And thirdly and lastly, he wished to mislead the aforementioned parties into allowing him to proceed unopposed with the building of his house on the site he desired.

'He had recourse to the following stratagem. He took me to a mountain ridge having an eastern aspect, and, pointing out a particular place, described a circular structure and ordered me to begin building it there; and this I at once did. When I had finished about half of it, he came along and said that, when giving me my orders at the outset, he had not well considered the matter, and that I must stop work on the building and demolish it, and carry back to the place whence I had taken them the earth and stones I had used.

'When I had carried out this order, the Lāma, appearing to me to be intoxicated,⁵ took me to a ridge having a western aspect and, ordering me to build another house there, after describing a crescent-shaped ground-plan, went away. When I had built this house up to about half the height required, the Lāma again came to me while I was working and said that even this house would not do, and that I must restore the clay and the stones to the places whence I had taken them. Again I obeyed his commands.

‘Once more the Lāma took me away, this time to a ridge with a northern aspect, and there addressed me thus : “My Great Sorcerer, I seem to have been tipsy when I last told thee to build a house, and so gave thee a mistaken order. Apparently it was a thorough mistake all through. But now thou shalt build me a really nice house on this site.” I ventured to observe that it was a useless expense to himself, and a great trouble to me, to be over and over again building up and pulling down houses. I entreated him to consider matters well, and then to give me his orders. He said, “I am not tipsy to-day, and I have thought well over the matter. A Tantric mystic's dwelling ought to be triangular, so build me one of that shape. This one shall not be demolished.”

'So I proceeded to build a triangular-shaped house. When I had finished about a third of it, the Lāma one day came down and said, “Who gaveth thee the order to build a house like this?” I answered, “Why, it is the house for Thy Reverence's son, and was ordered by thyself.” “I have no recollection of having given thee any such order,” said he. “But if it be as thou sayest, then it must have been at a time when I was not in full possession of my senses, or I must have been mad outright.” “But,” I urged, “fearing that something of this kind might happen, I ventured to impress upon Thy Reverence the necessity of careful consideration; and then thou wert pleased to assure me that thou hadst carefully considered everything, and that this building should not be demolished. And Thy Reverence at the time appeared to be in a perfectly normal state of mind.” The Lāma replied, ''What witness hast thou for this? What! Wert thou seeking to destroy me and mine by means of sorcery, or what, by thrusting us into this triangular building of thine, which looketh like a magical triangle? Why, man, I have not robbed thee of thy patrimony! Besides, if thou art really anxious for religious instruction - why, the very shape of this house is enough to set all the Local Deities against thee! See, then, that thou demolish it at once and take all the stones and clay back where thou didst find them. Thereupon, I will give thee the instruction thou desirest, or else, thou canst go away!” And the Lāma went off, apparently very angry. I was very much grieved at this, but there was no help for it. I stood in need of the Truth, and so had no other choice but to demolish the triangular house like the others, and to do as bidden with the materials.

‘By this time I had a big sore on my back, between my shoulder and my spine, but I did not dare to show it to the Lāma, who, I feared, would be displeased if I did so. Neither did I venture to show it to his wife, lest she should think I wanted her to notice how hard I was working for them. So I kept my misery to myself, and only solicited her aid in praying the Lāma to give me the promised instruction.

'The motherly lady kindly went in to her husband, and said, “My Lord, thine useless building undertakings are only wearing out the poor youth's life. Pray take pity on him now and give him some instruction.” The Lāma answered, “Get a nice dinner ready, and bring him in to me.'' The lady, accordingly, prepared some food, and led me in. The Lāma then said to me, “Great Sorcerer, do not falsely accuse me, as thou didst yesterday, of things which I have not done. As for instruction, I now give it thee.” And he imparted to me the four formulas of the Refuges,⁶ with the prayers and the injunctions and vows; and added, “These are called Temporal Religious Instructions. But if thou seek the Non-Temporal Religious Instructions, or Mystic Truths, thou must do such and such things in order to merit them.” And he proceeded to recite a brief story from the life of his Guru Naropa, and ended by saying, “But thou wilt hardly be able to attain to such ideal height as this; that will be too difficult for thee I fear.” Hearing this, I was so moved to the very depths of my heart with faith that I was unable to repress my tears; and I inwardly resolved to do whatsoever the Lāma commanded me.

'A few days after this, the Lāma invited me to go for a walk with him, and I did so. In the course of our stroll, we came to the spot already mentioned, whereon the uncles and cousins of the Lāma had agreed not to build, and which was now guarded by them. Here the Lāma came to a halt, and said, “Thou art now to build on this spot an ordinary quadrangular house, nine stories high, with an ornamental upper part forming a tenth story. This house shall not be demolished; and upon its completion I will bestow on thee the Truths for which thou art pining and maintain thee while thou art in retreat performing Sādhanā (Meditation), providing thee with all needed food and clothing.” Here I ventured to suggest that he should allow me to ask his wife - whom I was used to call Reverend Mother - to come and be witness to his words. He granted my request; so I went and called the Reverend Mother, while the Lāma occupied himself in marking out the ground-plan. Then, in the presence of both, I said, “Up to the present I have built three houses and again demolished each of them. In the case of the first, the Lāma said that he had not given due consideration to the matter; in the case of the second, that he had been tipsy when he gave the order for it; and, in the case of the third, that he had either been out of his senses or quite mad at the time, and did not remember having ever given me the order to build it. Upon my reminding him of the circumstances in connexion with the third house I built, he asked me to produce a witness to his words, and seemed highly displeased. Now once more he is giving me the order to begin building another house, so I pray that thou, my Reverend Mother, mayst be pleased to act as witness to this present order.”

'The lady replied, “Of course I can stand as witness; but thy Guru [the Reverend Father] is so imperious that he will not pay any attention to us. Moreover, the Reverend Father is doing a perfectly useless thing; there is no necessity for all these building projects. It is altogether needless trouble to cause thee to build houses so often, only to pull them down as often again. Besides, this site is not ours by right, but closed and guarded by all thy Guru's relatives, it being the site on which a joint vow hath been taken by them. But the Reverend Father will pay no heed to such a weak voice as mine. I shall only incur risk of contention.” Addressing his wife, the Lāma said, “Merely do what thou art asked to do, namely, stand witness, and then get away home, and leave me to see to the performance of my part in the business! Thou needest not raise questions no one asketh thee to raise.”

'So I set about laying the foundation of the quadrangular building ordered, and then proceeded with its erection. But now Ngogdun-Chudor, of Zhung, Tsurton-Wang-gay, of Döl, and Metön-Tsönpo, of Tsang-rong - all advanced disciples of my Guru - happened in sport to bring to that spot a big boulder. As it was a good-sized stone, I set it in, as a corner stone, just above the foundation, near to the doorway, and had got up to about the second story from the ground when Marpa came on a visit to the scene of my toil. After inspecting the building all round very carefully, he pointed to the stone that had been brought by the three advanced disciples of his, and said, “Great Sorcerer, whence didst thou procure that stone?” I replied, “Reverend Sir, it was brought in sport by Thy Reverence's three chief disciples.” “Oh, was it?” he said. “Well, thou hast no business to use for thy building purposes a stone brought by them. See that it is taken out and returned to the place from which it was taken.” I reminded him of his promise not to have this building pulled down. He only replied, “But I did not promise to let thee employ, as thy workmen, my chief disciples who have been initiated into the Mystic Truths of twice-born beings. Besides, I am not ordering thee to pull down the entire edifice, but only to take out that stone brought by my chief disciples, and to restore it to its original place.”

'Thus once more I had to pull down, from top to bottom, a wall which I had erected. Taking out the stone, I put it back whence it had come. As soon as the Lāma saw that I had accomplished this, he came and said, “Now thou mayst go and bring back that same stone thyself, and set it in the same place.” Putting forth the strength of the three men, I managed to get it up and put it into the same place as before. This stone was ever after called my “Giant Stone”, in token of the unusual physical strength I displayed in connexion with it.

'While I was thus engaged in laying the foundation of this edifice on the prohibited site, some of those who saw me said, “It seemeth as though Marpa really meaneth to build on this spur. Had we not better object to it?” But others said, “Marpa is beside himself. He hath got hold of a strong young novice from the Highlands, and, being possessed with a mania for building, he keepeth the poor young man busy all the time building houses of unapproved patterns on every ridge, spur, and knoll round about. Then, when the building is half finished, he getteth the same young man to pull it all down again and carry the materials back to where they came from. He will surely do the same in this case, too. But if he should not, there will be ample time to stop him. Let us wait and see.”

'However, they soon saw that this house was not to be pulled down, but continued. Then, when it had reached the seventh story - and another sore had come on my body near the waist- Marpa's relatives said to one another, “He is not going to pull down this building. The pulling down of the others was only a feint designed to mislead us, and prevent our objecting, at the outset, to the building of this one. Let us pull it down now!” And with this intent, they collected in a body. But the Lāma produced by magical power a vast body of armed troops who crowded the house both outside and inside. The would-be attackers were all filled with fear. Each looked on the other and asked, “From where hath Marpa the Translator managed to call up such a number of troops?” They did not dare to fight with them. Instead, each one privily paid his respects to Marpa, and subsequently all became his followers.

'A t about this time, Metön-Tsönpo, of Tsang-rong, came to receive the Grand Initiation into the Dēmchog Maṇḍala.⁷ My Reverend Mother [my Guru's consort] thereupon spoke to me, saying, “Now is the time for thee also to try to get initiated. Let us make the attempt.” I also thought that since I had succeeded in erecting such an edifice entirely single-handed, without receiving so much as a piece of stone the size of a goat's head, a basketful of earth, a jugful of water, or a spadeful of clay in the way of help from any one else, I surely must deserve some consideration; and I felt quite sure that the Initiation would now be bestowed on me. So, bowing down, I took my seat among the candidates for initiation.

'Seeing me there, the Lāma asked, “Great Sorcerer, what hast thou as the offering?” I replied, “Thy Reverence promised me that when I had completed the building of the house for Thy Reverence's son, I should be favoured with initiation and instruction. So I hope Thy Reverence will now be pleased to grant me the Initiation.” Upon this, the Lāma exclaimed, “What presumption! What impertinence! Just because thou hast put together a few cubits of mud-wall, I, forsooth, must impart to thee the sacred lore which I obtained from India only at much personal sacrifice and cost. If thou can pay the initiation fees, well and good; pay them! If thou can not, out thou walkest from this Mystic Circle.” And he struck me, and, dragging me by the hair, flung me out. Thereupon I wished that I were dead, or that I might die there and then, upon the spot. I wept the whole of that night through.

‘Then the Lāma's lady came to me, and said, “The Lāma is beyond all comprehension. He sayeth that he hath brought the Sacred Doctrine from India into this land for the benefit of all sentient beings; and, as a rule, he will teach, and preach to, even a dog that may happen to come into his presence, and wind up by praying for its welfare. Still, do not lose faith in him.” Thus the good woman tried to cheer me.

'Next morning, the Lāma himself came to me, and said, “Great Sorcerer, thou hadst better cease work on this house thou hast under construction, and begin on another dwelling house of twelve pillars, having a hall-chamber and a chapel, to serve as an annexe to the main edifice. When thou hast finished this, I will surely give thee the Instructions.”

'Once more I laid the foundations of a building. All the while the Lāma's lady continued to supply me with excellent food and condiments daily, together with a little chhang; and she consoled me and gave me good advice.

'As the annexe was approaching completion, Tsurtön-Wang-gay, of Döl, came to receive the Great Initiation into the Maṇḍala of The Esoteric.⁸ Thereupon, the Lāma's lady said to me, “This time, at any rate, my son, we shall manage to get thee initiated.” She provided me with a roll of butter, a piece of blanket-cloth, and a small copper vessel, and told me to go and take my seat among the śiṣyas who were about to go and receive initiation. The Lāma, noticing me, said, “Great Sorcerer, what hast thou as thine initiation fees that thou takest thy seat in the ranks of the novices?” I produced my roll of butter, blanket-cloth, and copper vessel, and said that these should be mine offerings. To this the Lāma replied that these things already belonged to him, since they had been brought as initiation fees by others; that they would not do, and that I must bring something belonging to myself or else get out of the mystic circle of those to be initiated. And, at this, he arose, seemingly in a furious temper, and drove me out with blows from his foot, so that I wished I could sink into the earth.

'Then the thought came to me, “Seeing that I have caused the death of so many people by means of sorcery, and destroyed such a number of crops with storms of hail, all that I now am suffering is the karmic result of those evil deeds. Or else,” so I thought, “the Lāma must have perceived something in me whereby he knew that I would not be able to receive and practise the Doctrine. Or, again,” I wondered, “was it that the Lāma did not regard me personally with liking or esteem? However it be, “so I thought within myself, “without religion, the life of man is not worth living”; and I began to make up my mind to kill myself. At this moment, the Lāma's lady brought me her share of the offerings of consecrated food, and communicated her sincere condolences. But I had lost all relish, even for consecrated food, and wept on, the whole night through.

‘Next morning, the Lāma himself came to me, and said, “Thou must complete both the buildings; then I will surely give thee the Instructions and the Truths.”

'Going on with my building operations, I had almost completed the annexe, when another sore broke out on the small of my back; and, blood and matter pouring forth from all three sores, my whole back soon became nothing but one big sore. I showed it to my Reverend Mother; and, reminding her of the Lāma's promise to give me instructions, I asked her to plead for me with the Lāma, so that he might be pleased to vouchsafe me the Truths for which I thirsted. My Reverend Mother looked attentively at my sores, and, shedding profuse tears, promised to speak for me to the Lāma.

'So she went to the Lāma, and spoke thus: “Great Sorcerer hath done so much building work that his hands and legs are all cracked and bruised, and his back hath broken out into three large sores, from which ooze blood and matter. I have heard about sore-backed ponies and donkeys before this, and seen some, too; but never before have I heard of a sore-backed human being, much less seen one. What a disgrace it will be to thee if people come to hear of it! Thou who art such a highly respected and honoured Lāma, to be so cruel! Thou shouldst have some mercy on the lad. Moreover, thou didst promise to give him the Instruction he desireth so much, upon his completing the building.” The Lāma answered, “I did, indeed, say so; I promised him that when the ten-storied building should be finished I would give him the Instructions, but where are the ten stories? Hath he finished them yet?” “But, urged my mediator, 'he hath built an annexe far exceeding the ten-storied edifice in size.” “'Much talk, little work,' as the proverb sayeth,” retorted the Lāma. “When he hath completed the tenth story I will give him the Instructions - and not till then. But is his back really broken out into sores?''
‘”O Reverend Father, thy being so despotic preventeth thy seeing it. Otherwise thou couldst not but have noticed that not only hath he a sore back, but that his whole back is nothing else but one big sore.” This said in her severest manner, the Lāma's lady hurried away from him. But the Lāma called after her, saying, “Then let the lad come up to me.”

'Accordingly, I went in to see him, greatly hoping that I was at last to be given the Instructions; but, instead, he only ordered me to show him my sore back. Upon my doing so, he looked at it very attentively, and said, “This is nothing to the trials and tribulations which were endured by my Lord Saint Naropa. He had to undergo in his own body twelve greater and twelve lesser trials, making twenty-four in all. I myself did not spare my wealth or consider my body's safety, but, sacrificing both ungrudgingly, followed and served my Teacher Naropa. If thou art really in search of the Truth, do not boast so about thy services, but continue waiting patiently and working steadily till thy building task is entirely finished.” Once more my hopes were dashed to the ground.

'The Lāma, then, putting his robe in the shape of a pad, showed me how ponies and donkeys are padded when any of them getteth a sore back, and advised me to do the same for myself. When I asked him of what use a pad was when the whole of the back was one sore, he coolly told me that it would prevent the earth getting into the sore and making it worse; and added that I was to go on carrying clay and stones.

‘Considering within myself that such was the wish of my Guru, I felt that I must go on and do as commanded. I therefore took up my loads and carried them in front of me now, and thus went about the work. The Lāma, seeing what I was doing, inwardly said, “Worthy of praise is that noble śiṣya who ungrudgingly obeyeth his Guru’s commands,” secretly shedding tears of joy at seeing my sincerity and my faith in him.

'A t length, as the sores grew more and more aggravated and inflamed, I suffered so much pain from them that I was unable any longer to go on working; and I asked the Lāma's lady to plead for me again, that I might be given the Truths. But even if this should be refused, I craved permission to rest awhile until I should be able to resume the work. She did so, but the Lāma only said, “Teaching or Instructions he cannot have until he hath finished the buildings; but rest he may if he be unable to work, since this cannot be helped. In any case, let him do as much work as is possible for him to do." Whereupon my Reverend Mother allowed me to rest and get my sores healed.

'When they were partly cured, the Lāma, making no mention of Instructions whatever, said to me, “Great Sorcerer, thou hadst better resume thy building work and get on with it quickly.” I was on the point of doing as bidden, when my Reverend Mother said privily, “Let us do something that will make him give thee the Teachings.”

'After she and I had consulted together, we decided that I should sally forth with all my worldly goods [my books and so forth], together with a small bag of barley flour, tied on my back; and that thereupon I should say to her, “Oh, let me go, let me go!” at a spot on the road where I should be visible [and audible] to the Lāma from where he [habitually] sat. This was to be by way of pretending that I was going away, while she was to detain me, saying, “Do not go away, do not go away; I will do mine utmost to get the Instructions for thee.”

'When this little play was thus enacted within the range of the Lāma's eyes [and ears], he called, “Damema (One Without Egotism), what comedy is this ye two are acting?” His lady replied, “Great Sorcerer sayeth that he hath come from a far distant country, trusting to obtain from thee, his Guru, a knowledge of the Saving Truths. However, instead of obtaining them, he hath only incurred thy displeasure and procured himself a number of beatings. And now, fearing lest he die without having learned the Truths, he wisheth to go elsewhere in quest of them; and I am assuring him that I will do mine utmost to obtain the Truths for him, and am trying to detain him.” “I see,” said the Lāma; and down he came from his seat, and, giving me several blows, cried, “When first thou didst come to me, didst thou not offer me thine entire self - body, speech, and mind? Where dost thou wish to go now? Thou belongest to me altogether. If I liked, I could chop thy body into a hundred bits; and no one could hinder me. And even if thou do intend to go away, what business hast thou to carry away flour from my house?” And with that, he knocked me down on the ground, and gave me a violent beating; then he took the bag of flour back into the house.

‘On this, I was pierced to the heart with grief, as great as that of a mother who hath lost her only son. But, at the same time, I was awed by the imperious dignity of the Lāma, and by the thought that the whole occurrence was the outcome of my consultation with the Lāma's lady. I could do no otherwise than return and lie down weeping. My Reverend Mother said it was evident that the Lāma would not be moved to grant my request for the Truths by any of our prayers, entreaties, stratagems, and the like. “But rest assured,” she said, “he will surely grant them at last. Meanwhile, I will venture to teach thee something.” And she kindly taught me the method or system of meditation upon Dorje-Pa-mo,⁹ which greatly appeased the yearning of my heart, albeit I did not attain to the entire boon of “The Realization of Knowledge”.¹⁰ But for what I did receive I was very grateful indeed to my Reverend Mother. I thought that as she was the wife of my Guru, such Truths as were received from her would help to wipe out mine evil deeds. So I tried to show my gratitude to her by doing little services for her comfort, such as making a seat for her to sit on when she should be milking the cows in the summer time, and another for her use when she should be roasting barley in the yard in front of the house.

'About this time, I began seriously to make up my mind to go and seek another Guru. But, pondering the matter over again, I came to the conclusion that as regardeth the Doctrine whereby I might obtain perfect Emancipation in this very lifetime, my present Guru was the only one possessing it. I saw, too, that, unless I obtained Emancipation in this lifetime, the evil deeds which I had committed would be enough to cast me into one of the Hells. Thus I resolved to do mine utmost to emulate Naropa in his severe trials and endurance, as well as in his unwearied perseverance in search of the Saving Truth, and thus to secure mine Emancipation. So minded, I went on with my building work, stacking stones and heaping up earth with which to make mud.

'Then came Ngogdun-Chudor, of Zhung, bringing valuable presents, and accompanied by a large retinue, to receive the Grand Initiation into the Maṇḍala [or Rite] of Gaypa-Dorje.¹¹

'Thereupon, the Lāma's lady spoke to me saying, “If the Reverend Father is still dissatisfied with the great devotion and obedience thou hast shown in building these houses singlehanded, and must have some pecuniary offerings as his initiation fee, let us give him something in order to make sure of thy participating in this initiation ceremony at all events. Offer him this, and take the initiation; and, if he demur, I will add my prayers to thine. So saying, she put in my hands a valuable turquoise, of a deep blue shade, which was her own personal property.

'I went, then, and offering it as mine initiation fee, took my seat among those who were going to participate in the ceremony. The Lāma took the turquoise; and, turning it over and over, and examining it carefully, at length said to me, “Great Sorcerer, how didst thou come by this turquoise?” I replied, “The Reverend Mother gave it to me.” He smiled, and said, “Call Damema here.” When the Reverend Mother had come, he said, 'Damema, how did we get this turquoise?” She prostrated herself several times before him and answered, “Reverend Father, this turquoise is in no way our common property. It is a special piece of private property given to me by my parents upon our marriage. Seeing that Thy Reverence was rather short-tempered, it was feared that we might fall out. So the turquoise was intended to serve as a provision for me in the event of our separation; and I was to keep it in secret as a piece of entirely private property. But noting how eager this poor boy is to obtain the Doctrine, I could not help producing it and giving it to him. Please accept this turquoise and grant him the Initiation. He hath suffered much agony of mind from having been turned out of the Sacred Circle several times already. Permit me, then, to pray that thou wilt have mercy on him. And ye, too, my sons, Ngogdun and ye others, I request you, in this, to add your prayers to mine.” Having finished, she again prostrated herself several times before the Lāma.

'Knowing the Lāma's short temper, Ngogdun and the others dared not say anything, but simply rose and bowed down, repeating, “Yes, let it be as our Reverend Mother sayeth.” But the Lāma - the turquoise on his necklace now - only said, “Damema, thy folly had very nearly lost me this valuable turquoise; it might have been lost altogether. Do not be silly, please! When thou thyself belongest altogether to me, the turquoise, of course, is mine. Great Sorcerer, if thou have any property of thine own, thou mayst bring it here, and I will bestow the Initiation upon thee. This turquoise is mine own property.”

‘Seeing that the Reverend Mother had made him an offering of the valuable turquoise, I thought that perhaps he might be softened into allowing me to share in the Initiation; so I stayed on for a little time. At this, the Lāma lost his temper, and rising, [apparently] in fierce anger, shouted, “Thou impertinent fellow, why dost thou not get out when I tell thee? What right hast thou to remain in my presence?” Thereupon, with stunning force, he felled me to the ground, face downward. Then, picking me up, he threw me down again on my back, with great violence. He was next taking up his stick to beat me, when Ngogdun intervened and caught him. Meanwhile, in mine extreme terror, I jumped out of a window, which made the Lāma anxious, though he still pretended to be angry.

'The leap did me no harm, but I was so grieved and hurt at heart that I resolved to kill myself. But again my Reverend Mother came to me, bringing me solace, and saying, “Great Sorcerer, do not take it so much to heart. There cannot anywhere be a dearer or more faithful pupil than thyself. If, after all, thou should have to go and look for another Guru, I will help thee myself with the necessary presents and means for thine expenses.” Thus she sought to console me, remaining with me and weeping throughout the entire night, neglecting entirely her duty to be present and assist at the Lāma's evening devotions.

'Next morning, the Lāma summoned me into his presence. I went, in the hope that he was now going to fulfil my dearest wishes. He asked me whether his refusal to initiate me the previous day had shaken my faith in him or inspired me with dislike. I answered, “It did not shake my faith in thee, for I considered that it was my great evil-doing which debarred me from sharing in the ceremony, and I am pierced with remorse." Saying this, I burst into tears, whereupon he ordered me out, exclaiming, “What reason hast thou, by thy weeping, to blame me in this manner?”

'As I came out, I felt as if my heart were almost breaking; a perfect whirlwind seemed tearing at its very roots. I thought of the gold I had possessed at the time when I set out on my career of evil-doing, and deplored the fate which deprived me of it now, when I wished to set out on the path of righteousness. Oh, how I wished that I had but half of it now! I should then be able to obtain Initiation and the Doctrine. But without gold, I saw that this Lāma would never give me either. I should always require to have something for a present, even if I should go elsewhere to obtain the Doctrine; nothing could be done without it. Not possessing any worldly wealth, I should have to die unemancipated, having failed to obtain the saving Doctrine. It were better for me to end my life at once than to go on living without it. What should I do? Oh, what should I do? Should I go and make myself the servant of some rich man and, saving up my wages, get together enough gold to pay mine initiation fees and to support me during the period of penance and meditation? Or should I go home and see my mother? Perhaps I might get some money there somehow; but, then, I had worked such sad havoc among the folk of my district by my wickedness and my Black Art! One of two things, however, must be done at once. I must go forth in search either of gold or of the Doctrine. But go I must!

'So, taking my books, and leaving behind the bag of flour, for fear of incurring the Lāma's displeasure, I set forth without even telling my Reverend Mother of mine intention. When I had gone about four or five miles on my way, I was overcome by an intense longing to see her just once, and by remorse at mine ingratitude in thus leaving the kind lady without a word. It was time for the morning meal, so I collected a little barley flour by begging, borrowed some vessels, gathered some fuel, and cooked my food. By the time I had eaten, it was past noon. The thought then came to me, that in getting my food from the Lāma I had been paid at least half my wages for the work I had done for him. And then reflecting on the trouble I had experienced in procuring just this one morning's meal, and comparing it with the rich living I had enjoyed at the Lāma's house, all ready prepared for me by his lady - tasty, steaming hot dishes every day - I thought myself very ungrateful indeed in coming away without first bidding the kind lady farewell! I had half thoughts of going back, but was unable quite to make up my mind to do so.

'As I was on my way to return the vessels I had borrowed, an old man stopped me, and said, “Dear me! thou art quite a young man, able to work; why dost thou beg? Why dost thou not earn thy food by reading the Scriptures, if thou can read? Or, if thou can not read, why dost thou not work at something? Thou wouldst earn thy food and a little money, too. Canst thou read or not? I replied, telling him that I was not a professional beggar, and that I was able to read. The old man then said, “Very well; come and stay in my house and read the Scriptures for me, and I will pay thee handsomely.”

'I was only too glad to accept the offer, and was soon engaged in reading the abbreviated version of the Prajňa-Pāramitā in eight thousand verses.¹² In the course of my reading, I came to the history of an Arhant called Taktūngoo (Ever- Weeping), in which it was narrated that this Arhant, being penniless, had sold the very flesh off his body for the Doctrine. Nothing can be dearer to a man than his own heart, yet even this he determined to sell. Though the immediate consequence would be death, that did not turn him from his purpose. As I compared my trials with those of the Arhant, they seemed to dwindle away to nothing. Thereupon, a hope sprang up in me that, at last, the Lāma might impart to me the teaching for which I longed. “But even if he do not,” I reflected, “hath not my Reverend Mother promised to help me to find another Guru?” So back I went to him.

'To return to what happened at the time I left the Lāma. When the Lāma's lady perceived that I had really gone away, she went to the Lāma, and said, “At last, Reverend Father, thine implacable foe hath left thee. Art thou satisfied now?” “Whom dost thou mean?” he asked. And she replied, “Was it not poor Great Sorcerer whom thou didst treat as thy deadliest enemy?” The Lāma frowned, but could not repress a tear. “O Gurus of the Kargyütpa Deities, and Guardian Spirits,” he exclaimed, 'bring back my destined pupil.” This said, he wrapped up his head in his mantle, and remained silent for a long time.

'Upon my coming back and doing obeisance to the Lāma's lady, she was greatly rejoiced, and said, “Really, that was the best thing thou couldst have done. I think the Lāma will now, at last, favour thee with some teaching, for on mine informing him of thy departure, he shed tears and cried, ‘Let my destined and gifted pupil be brought back!' And I think thou hast been brought back by the grace of the Lāma.”

'I, however, thought to myself that the Reverend Mother was only saying this with a view to encouraging me; for I judged that to wish me back and call me his gifted pupil, and all that, hardly tallied with his refusing to give me even the least morsel of spiritual teaching. If he had, indeed, called me gifted, it would be something to rejoice over; but his refusal to give me any teaching in the Doctrine himself, or to allow me to go to any one else for it, filled me with grave apprehensions of more trouble.

'The Reverend Mother now went in and said to the Lāma, “O Reverend Father, Great Sorcerer hath not been able to forsake us. He hath come back. May I give him permission to come, in and do obeisance to thee?” “Oh, it is not out of love for us, but for himself,” said the Lāma; “but thou mayst let him come in and pay his respects.” Upon my entering where he was, the Lāma spoke to me, saying, “Great Sorcerer, do not be vacillating in thine aims. If thou be really in earnest to obtain the Doctrine, thou must be prepared to sacrifice life itself for it. Now be gone; and, first of all, complete the three remaining stories of the building; and then thy wishes shall be granted. But if thou think otherwise - why, I am only throwing away food on thee; and thou canst go wherever thou wishest.”

'I left the Lāma's presence without venturing to utter a word; but I said to the lady: 'Reverend Mother, I have a great desire to see my mother once again, and I feel sure that the Lāma will not give me the Teachings. If I were sure of obtaining them when I had completed the building, I should be very content to go on and finish it. But I see very well that the Lāma will only raise one objection after another, as excuses for not giving them to me. I feel sure that I shall not get them, even though I do complete the building. So please allow me to return home. I wish health and long life to you both.”

'I bowed down to her, and was coming away, when she-said, “Thou are quite right. I have promised to find thee a Guru. Now there is a pupil of the Lāma, named Ngogdun-Chudor, who hath the same precepts and teachings as the Lāma; I will do my best to arrange that thou receive the Teachings thou desirest from him. Stay here a little while longer, and for a few days act as if thou wert working.” Delighted at the prospect of obtaining my wish, I worked with a will for several days.

'It seemeth that the great Paṇḍit Naropa, while he lived, had been in the habit of observing the tenth day of every month as a grand day of worship, and so Marpa, too, was accustomed to do the same. Upon the occasion of this celebration of the holy day, the Reverend Lady practised a stratagem at his expense after this fashion. Three large vessels, each holding twenty measures of chhang, had been fermented for the occasion. These she strained; and, drawing off the first brew into one vessel, she had the chhang from that vessel served to him by various assistants (among them both herself and me), who filled his bowl with it again and again. The second brew was served to the pupils. And of the third brew, the lady herself sipped, and that only a little. I followed her example, and escaped becoming affected. All the rest of the pupils, however, became more or less affected. As for the Lāma, he having been plied so often with the over-strong brew fell sound asleep.¹³

While he thus lay asleep, his lady abstracted from his room certain articles, including Naropa's garlands and rosary of rubies. Then producing a letter in my Guru's name, which she had all ready, and enclosing therein the garlands and the rosary as a gift from the Lāma, after wrapping it up in a costly scarf and sealing the letter with the Lāma's seal, she directed me to go to the aforementioned Ngogdun-Chudor and hand it to him. The main purport of the letter was a command to Ngogdun to give the Great Sorcerer the Teachings. Thus was I sent by her in the direction of the Central Province of Tibet, to learn the Doctrine; and I went to Ngogdun with full confidence in his ability to teach me the Saving Truths.

'Some two days after my departure, the Lāma asked his lady what I was doing. She replied that I was probably on the road, but exactly where she was unable to say. “Where hath he gone, and when?” asked the Lāma. And she replied, “Oh, he was saying that though he had done so much work for thee, still thou wert not disposed to give him the Teachings, but only scoldings and beatings, so he would go and look for another Guru elsewhere. And as I should only have won him another beating by coming to tell thee of his intention, I preferred not to do so. I did mine utmost to induce him to stay, but I could not hold him; he left yesterday.”

'On this piece of news, the Lāma's face turned black as night. “When did he leave?" he asked. “Yesterday,” replied his lady. For some time he sat silent. Then he said, “My pupil cannot have got very far away yet.”

'Meanwhile, I had arrived at Riwo-Kyungding, in the Central Province of Tibet, and found Ngogdun - himself a Head Lāma by this time - expounding the Double Analysis ¹⁴ to a large body of his pupils. He was just dealing with the passage, “I am the Expounder and I am the Truth. I am the Hearer. I am the Teacher of the World, and I am the Devotee. I am the Being Who hath passed beyond all states of worldly existence, and I am the Blissful One,” when I approached, and, at a distance, prostrated myself. The spot came to be known as Chag-tael-Kang (The Hill of Obeisance). Lāma Ngogdun, taking off his hat, returned my salutation, observing that from my mode of salutation I seemed to be one of the pupils of Marpa the Translator, and that the fact of mine arrival whilst he was expounding those particular stanzas seemed highly auspicious - so auspicious, indeed, that he predicted, from this simple occurrence, that I should one day become a master of all religious lore. He sent one of those about him to inquire who I was. The person sent recognized me, and asked, “What bringeth thee here?” I replied that our Guru, Lāma Marpa, being too busy to look after my private tuition, had sent me to attend the lectures here. I told him also that I had brought with me Naropa's garlands and ruby rosary as a token from the Lāma.

'When the man went back to Lāma Ngogdun and told him these things, and that I was Great Sorcerer, he was greatly delighted, so much so that he exclaimed, “Of a truth, rare are the occasions of enjoying such a favour as this. My humble monastery to be blessed and honoured by the presence within its doors of such precious and sacred reliques of our Great Teacher, Naropa! Such an occasion is as rare as the Udumvara blossom.¹⁵ We must receive it with all the respect due to such a rare event.” Thereupon, he broke off his exposition at the auspicious passage mentioned, and sent some of the monks to fetch banners, ceremonial umbrellas, and pendants, while various musical instruments were sounded in honour of the reliques I had brought.

'When I reached his dwelling, I prostrated myself, and offered the letter-packet and the reliques:\; and he, upon receiving them, was profoundly moved. Tears came from his eyes; and, taking off his hat, he put the reliques on the top of his head, praying that grace might be vouchsafed him. Then he put them in the holy of holies of his altar.

'The letter, which he now read, ran thus:¹⁶ “l am just about to enter upon a close retreat, and as Great Sorcerer is impatient and eager to have the Teachings, I send him to thee for the Initiation and Consecration. Do thou, therefore, grant him these, and teach him the Truths. I authorize thee to do so; in token, whereof, I send thee herewith Naropa's garlands and rosary of rubies.”

'Having finished reading the letter, Ngogdun said that, as ordered by the Lāma, he would surely give me the Initiation and the Consecration. He had been thinking of sending for me, but now that I was come myself, it was very good, indeed, and due to the Lāma's benediction and grace. He said, further, “I have a number of pupils who come from Kham, Tagpo, Kongpo, and Yarlung, but on their way hither, through the depredations of those lawless folk, the Yepo and Yemo, of Döl, they are stripped of the scanty store of gear with which they set out for this place in order to pursue their studies. I therefore request thee to go and punish those lawless folk by launching a hail-storm upon their lands. When thou hast done this, I will bestow upon thee the Initiation and Consecration thou desirest.”

'I now bitterly repented the fate that had put such an accursed power into my hands, making me the means of wreaking vengeance by doing hurt to life and property. I had come here in search of the Saving Truth, and here I was again being asked to work harm and do an evil deed. If I refused I should be disobeying a Guru, or, at least, one whom I intended to take for my Guru - almost as heinous a sin as to refuse to obey an actual Guru; and, in addition, I should lose all opportunity of obtaining the Teachings. And so I decided that I must go, that I had no choice.

'Accordingly, I set forth, provided with the necessary appurtenances; and, reaching the scene of my intended deed, I took lodgings in the house of an old woman, in the Yepo country. Just as the hail-storm was about to burst, as the lightnings flashed and the thunder growled and the first hailstones were about to fall, the old woman, my hostess, began to beat her breast and weep, saying, “Alas! What shall I have to live on if my crops are destroyed by the hail?” 'This was too much for me. I could not bear to be so cruel to this poor old woman, so, at imminent risk to myself, I requested her quickly to draw me a plan of her field. “Oh, my field is like this,” she cried in a despairing tone, at the same time describing a triangular figure with an elongated end. I immediately covered the figure with an iron pan, in my mind shielding it from the hail, so that it escaped destruction, all except a tiny corner, which, protruding beyond the covering pan, was devastated by a gust of wind.

'When the storm was over, on going out to look at the country, I saw the slopes above the valley all furrowed into ravines, the erstwhile luxuriant fields utterly laid waste, all except the old woman's field, which was quite fresh and green. But that corner of the field, corresponding to the corner of the plan which, protruding beyond the covering-pan, had been devastated by wind, was damaged by the hail and flooded with water. Ever afterward, this field - except for its protruding corner which had been flooded - escaped any hail-storm which visited that neighbourhood. And it is said that the old woman was thus exempted from payment of the hail-tax¹⁷ on all of the field save that corner.

'On my way back [to my new Guru], I met an old shepherd and his child who had lost their herds in the flood. By them I sent word to the people of the countryside, enjoining them to refrain thenceforth from ill-treating or robbing Lāma Ngogpa's¹⁸ disciples or adherents, on pain of being visited constantly by similar hail-storms, thus revealing to them who had caused the destruction. After this, the people of those two places were so profoundly impressed with the phenomenal power of Lāma Ngogpa, that they became his devoted followers and faithfully served him.

'As I came along the way, I picked up some dead birds, which I found all by themselves under a bramble bush, and numbers of other birds, and some rats, which I found dead on the road, until I had my cap and the lap of my robe full. These I laid in a heap before Lāma Ngogpa, and appealed to him thus: “O Reverend Teacher, I came here expecting to find the Holy Doctrine, but have been compelled to heap up sin upon sin. Have pity on such a terrible sinner!” and I burst into bitter tears.¹⁹

'To this, the Lāma replied, “Be not despairing; there is no cause whatsoever for such abject fear. We, the followers of Naropa and Maitrī,²⁰ possess those Truths which can save the greatest of sinners in the twinkling of an eye - just as one single stone flung from a sling serveth to frighten a hundred birds simultaneously. All those sentient creatures, and these birds and beasts which have been killed on this occasion by the hail-storm shall be born again as thy foremost disciples when thou shalt attain to Buddhahood.²¹ Till that time cometh, I shall put forth my power so as to prevent their falling into Hell or [degenerating] into lower states of being. Therefore, be at ease. But if thou still doubt, let me prove the truth of what I say, thus.” For a few moments, he sat silent with closed eyes, then he snapped his fingers. In a trice, all the dead birds and rats [which I had collected] revived, and made off to their several nests and holes. I now perceived that the Lāma himself was a Buddha. How delightful! How blissful! I should have rejoiced had many more creatures enjoyed the privilege of dying on such an occasion.

'Thereafter, I was initiated into the Maṇḍala [or Rite] of Gaypa-Dorje. I had found a cave facing south, from which I could see my Guru’s residence; and, having made it habitable by the expenditure of a little labour, I shut myself up in it, leaving only a small aperture in the side, for the passage of food and water, and so forth.²²

'My Guru had explained to me the methods of meditation, and I persevered in their practice; but, despite all the assiduity on the Guru's part, and perseverance on mine own, owing to my not having obtained the assent of Marpa, I experienced no spiritual development.

'One day, my Guru came and asked me if I had had such and such an experience. I replied that I had experienced nothing [of like nature]. “How is that?” he asked. “In this line of development there ought not to be, and there never hath been, any who have not within a very short time made fresh progress in spiritual development, except when there hath been something standing directly in the way of it. What can it be here? It cannot be that our Head Guru hath not given his assent to thine Initiation, or else he would not have sent the tokens and the letter. Well, anyway, proceed with thy meditation.”

'I was a little alarmed at this encounter, and for a moment thought of confessing to the deception [I had practised], but my courage failed me. Now, more than ever, was I impressed with the necessity of propitiating my Head Guru, the Lāma Marpa; but I went on practising meditation to the best of mine ability.

'About this time, Lāma Marpa, having had the remaining portion of his son's residence completed, wrote to Lāma Ngogpa requesting him to send him so many loads of small branches for the house.²³ The letter added, that upon the completion of the ornamental spires and the cornice, Lāma Ngogpa was to come in person and assist both in the consecration [of the house] and the ceremony to be performed [at the same time] to celebrate the coming of age of Doday-Bum²⁴ [Marpa's son]. The letter also intimated that Lāma Marpa had heard about my being with Lāma Ngogpa, reference being made to me as a “wicked person”, and it requested that I should be brought back to him at the same time.

'Lāma Ngogpa came to the aperture of my cave and read me the letter, observing, “From the manner in which the Lāma speaketh of thee, it would appear that thou hast not obtained his permission in regard to the bestowal of the Truths.” I replied, “The Lāma himself did not give his consent; but his wife furnished me with the letter and the accompanying tokens, with which I was directed hither.” 'Ah!” he said, “so we have been engaged in profitless work. Thou surely must have known that it is vain to hope for spiritual growth without the Guru’s hearty co-operation and approval. It is no wonder thou dost not develop any of the signs. However, he ordereth thee to return. Dost thou wish to go or not?” I prayed that I might be taken with him as his attendant. He replied that the branches had been sent by carriers, and that, until these had returned and the exact date of the festival was known, I was to remain in my retreat.

‘Upon the return of the carriers, he again came to the aperture of my cell; whereupon we had a long conversation about our Guru’s approaching ceremonial of consecrating the building and bestowing it upon his son, who was also to have a distinction conferred upon him. In the course of our talk, I inquired whether any mention had been made of myself. “Yes,” said Ngogpa, “our Lāma's lady asked the carriers what thou wert doing. Being told that thou wert in retreat, she asked what else thou wert doing there. Being told that thou didst always cling to solitude, she set it down to thy having left this die behind, at the same time giving it to the man and helping him to tie it up in his waist-cloth, and charging him to deliver it safely into thy hands.” Ngogpa then handed me a die made of clay. I took it from his hand reverentially, and, deeming that it had been hallowed by the touch of my Reverend Mother, I put it on my head.

'When he had left me, I was taken with a desire to throw the die and play with it. But, after a few moments, the thought occurred to me that I had never manifested any weakness for dice-playing in the lady's presence, and I asked myself what she could mean by sending me a thing that had led to the impoverishment of some of mine ancestors. Was it not meant to show that I was an object of contempt to her? The thought was infuriating. In a rage, I threw the die on the ground with such force that it split asunder and revealed a small roll of paper wrapped up inside. I picked this up and read its message, which ran thus: “Son, thy Guru is now disposed to bestow upon thee the necessary Initiation and Scriptures. Therefore come with Lāma Ngogpa.” This was such welcome news to me that I actually pranced up and down my little cave, and danced for very joy.

'Lāma Ngogpa then came and said, “Brave Grand Sorcerer, prepare thyself for the journey”; and I did so with alacrity. The Lāma himself collected everything he possessed for an offering, except what had been given him by Marpa himself. These possessions consisted of images, books, reliques, gold, turquoises, cloth, silk, plate, vessels, live stock, and so on. Of the latter, he drove off every sheep and goat in his possession, leaving behind but one lame old she-goat, which, on account of its lameness, was unable to keep up with the rest of the herd, and, so perforce, had to be left behind. Everything else he possessed he was preparing to take with him as an offering to his Guru. He was kind enough to acknowledge the service I had rendered to him, and gave me a silk scarf as mine own personal offering to Lāma Marpa. His wife added to it a bag full of powdered cheese, which was to serve as mine offering to Marpa's lady, Damema.

'Then Lāma Ngogpa, together with his wife, and myself, and a large retinue, set out for Dowo-Lung [Marpa's monastery]. When we had arrived at the foot of the hill, on which Dowo-Loong stood, the Lāma requested me to go in advance and inform Lāma Marpa and Damema of his approach, and to see if they would not send out some chhang for him. Accordingly, I went up towards Marpa's dwelling and there encountered his lady first. I presented her with the bag of cheese, and saluted her with reverence. I then informed her of the approach of Lāma Ngogpa, and asked her to send some, refreshments to meet him on his approach. She was delighted to see me, and told me to go and pay my respects to Lāma Marpa, who was inside, and to tell him of Lāma Ngogpa's approaching arrival.

'I then entered the dwelling and found Lāma Marpa sitting in meditation on the topmost story of the house. I presented the silk scarf to him, and bowed down before him, he being seated facing the East. He turned his face to the West Then I bowed down from the West, but he turned round towards the South. Then I spoke, and said, “Reverend Guru! Although out of displeasure thou refuse to accept mine obeisance, Lāma Ngogpa is coming here with all he possesseth of images, books, gold, turquoises, cattle, and such like, as an offering to thee. He surely deserveth some suitable reception befitting his state; I therefore pray that thou wilt be kind enough to send some chhang and refreshments out to him, on his way hither.”

'Apparently bursting out in rage, the Lāma snapped his fingers and shouted, “What! Who gave me a reception when I came plodding home with the load of the precious teachings on my back from India? When I brought home the precious gems of the quintessence of all the four divisions of Buddhist Doctrine, did so much as a lame bird come out to greet me or receive me? And must I, a great translator, go and receive Ngogpa just because he is bringing me a few straggling cattle? No, it cannot be. If that be what he expecteth, he had better go back whence he came.”

'I left the Lāma's presence and went and told his lady what he had said. “Oh,” she said, “thy Guru is very testy. Ngogpa is a great man, and must be received in a befitting manner. Let us both go and meet him.” I said, “Lāma Ngogpa doth not expect thee to go and meet him. Only give me a little chhang and I will run back with it to him.” “No; I will go and meet him,” she said; and, ordering some pupils to bring a generous quantity of chhang, she went out personally to receive Lāma Ngogpa.

'Now all the people of Lhobrak had assembled together to celebrate the coming of age of Marpa's son, Darma-Doday, and to witness the ceremony of consecrating the house which had been built for him. There was a general feast, and Lāma Marpa raised his voice and sang the benedictory psalm as a blessing upon the congregation and the occasion. It ran as follows:

'I supplicate the Gracious Guru.

'On this, the glorious Sect of my Line,
Resteth the blessing of stainlessness;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On the short path-way of my Truths profound,
Resteth the blessing of unerringness;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On myself, Marpa the Translator,
Resteth the blessing of learning deep;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On Guru, Deva, and Ḍākinī,
Resteth the blessing of grace and favour;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On my spiritual sons and śiṣyas gathered here,
Resteth the blessing of staunch and true faith;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On all my lay-disciples, far and near,
Resteth the blessing of charity and merit;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On all pure deeds and actions,
Resteth the blessing of altruism and Emancipation;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

'On good and evil spirits of this transient world,
Resteth the blessing of great merit or great punishment;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.

‘On these Lāmas and these laymen gathered here,
Resteth the blessing of gladness and good wishes;
May the benediction of that blessing here alight.'

'When Marpa had ended, Lāma Ngogpa rose up and offered his gifts; after which he addressed Marpa in the following words: “Precious and Reverend Guru, I do not need to say that all I have and am is thine. On this present occasion, however, I beg leave to announce to thee that everything I possess, save one lame old she-goat, too lame and too old to keep up with the rest of the herd, which, therefore, had to be left behind, hath been brought hither as an offering to thee, in return for which I pray that thou wilt confer upon me, thine ever devoted śiṣya, the Most Precious Initiations and the Deepest Mystic Truths, and, above all, the scrolls containing those [Esoteric] Truths that are to be whispered in the ear only.”

'So saying, he prostrated himself before the well-pleased Marpa, who now spoke as follows, “Well, if this be so, I, in turn, have to inform thee that the Truths and Scriptures I possess are among the rarest and most efficacious. They belong mostly to that class of Truths called the 'Short-Cut of the Immutable Path’²⁵ by means of which it is possible to attain to Nirvāṇa in this very lifetime, without having to wait for countless ages. Such are the surpassing virtues of these Truths. But there is more; the Truths contained in the scrolls of which thou speakest are attended by certain very strict conditions of the Guru’s requiring. So, unless thou bring up the last she-goat, despite all her lameness and old age, thine acquisition of that Scripture will be a matter of some difficulty. As for the others, thou hast already received them.” This last requirement evoked hearty laughter from all present, but Lāma Ngogpa gravely asked if, when the old she-goat were brought up, he would be given the Scripture he desired. To this Marpa replied, “Yes; if thou go thyself and fetch it.”

'The assembly then broke up for the day; and, next morning, Lāma Ngogpa set forth by himself to get the lame she-goat; and, bringing it on his own back, he offered it to Marpa, who, much pleased, said, “A really devoted and faithful follower of the Mystic Truths should be like thyself. I have truly little use for a lame old she-goat. I only made requisition for it in order to illustrate the greatness and value of religious truths.” He then promised Lāma Ngogpa that he would initiate him into various Mystic Truths and Maṇḍalas, and, a short time after, did so.

'One day [later on], during a feast given to some of his disciples from the most distant parts and to the members of his own family, Lāma Marpa sat, with a long staff by his side, looking with fierce eyes at Lāma Ngogpa, who was one of those present. After a time, pointing at him with his finger, he said, “Ngogdun Chudor, what explanation hast thou to give in the matter of thy having conferred Initiation and the Truths upon this wicked person, Thopaga?” And, as he spoke, he kept casting glances at the stick.

‘Lāma Ngogpa was terrified. “Precious Guru” he stammered, “Thy Reverence enjoined me under thine own hand and seal to initiate Thöpaga. Along with the letter, Thy Reverence sent Naropa's garlands and rosary of rubies as a token of its genuineness, and I obeyed Thy Reverence's command. In this I have nothing with which to reproach myself; so be pleased to abate Thy Reverence's displeasure with me.” As he spoke, he kept looking round about uneasily.

'Marpa then turned his angry finger on me, and asked, “Where didst thou get these things?” By this time I felt as if my heart were being torn out of my body, and was in such a state of terror that I could scarcely articulate. All trembling, I faltered out that the Lady Mother had given them to me.

'At that, Marpa jumped up abruptly from his seat and made towards his wife apparently with intent to belabour her with the staff. But she, apprehensive of such a thing, had risen and moved herself some distance from him. She now ran into the chapel and shut the door. The Lāma made several attempts to open it, but, failing, came back and resumed his seat, calling out, “Thou, Ngogdun-Chudor, who hast been doing something thou wert not asked to do, I command thee to go and bring me Naropa's garlands and rosary instantly.” This said, he wrapped up his head in his mantle, and so remained.

'Lāma Ngogpa bowed, and retired immediately to get the articles required. As soon as he came out, I, having run out of Marpa's presence at the same time as the lady, saw him from a corner, where I sat weeping; and I prayed him to take me with him. But he said, “If I take thee again without the Guru’s express command, the outcome will only be a similar scene, which will be painful to us both. Remain here for the present. If our Guru refuse to be gracious to thee, I will then do what lieth in my power to help thee?”

'Then I rejoined, “On account of my much evil-doing, not only do I myself suffer, but I involve thee and my Reverend Mother in a share of my troubles. I have lost all hope of obtaining the Doctrine in this life. Day by day I am only heaping up one great sin upon another. It is much better that I cut short this life. All I ask of thee is that by thy grace thou procure that my next birth shall be among [well-endowed] human beings,²⁶ and be a birth in which I shall have the opportunity to obtain the Truths.”

'I turned away, intending to commit suicide on the spot, but Lāma Ngogpa, bursting into tears, caught hold of me and said, “Brave Grand Sorcerer, do not so! Our Mystic Doctrine, which is the essence and ultimate meaning of the Blessed Conqueror's injunctions, declareth that all our various bodily principles and faculties are divine.²⁷ If we presume to close their present career before their natural period [of dissolution], we incur the guilt of killing the divine in ourselves, and must face the due punishment for the same. There is no greater sin than suicide. In the Sūtras, too, suicide is spoken of as a most heinous sin. Understand this well, and abandon all thought of self-slaughter. After all, our Guru may still be pleased to confer the Truths upon thee. But, even if he do not, there will surely be found some one who will give thee them.”

'Thus did Ngogpa seek to comfort me. Other of the disciples also sympathized with me, some running in to see if Marpa were yet in a mood to be addressed with safety, and some sitting down by me and trying to bring me solace. But either my heart was made of iron, or else the time had come for it to break, so acute were my sufferings. It was because of my having committed such terribly wicked deeds in the earlier part of my life, that now I had to suffer such excruciating and indescribable tortures at the very outset of my search for a Faith and Doctrine to emancipate me.'

At the hearing of this narration, none present was able to withhold tears of sympathy with the narrator; and some there were who even swooned away with excess of emotion.

This is the story of the Second Meritorious Act of Milarepa, which treateth of his chastening and his purification from sin by means of trials and tribulations, both bodily and mental.

Footnotes

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